Aesthetic Stage of Life-heading-to the Ethical Stage of Life.

 Tonight I am not being able to sleep, there is a palpable physical void in my chest. I have tried pressing the pillow against it and push the void away. But does not do much. It is an existential situation that i am living in. Kierkeggard, the Danish Philosopher calls it the Aesthetic Stage of Life-heading-to the Ethical Stage of Life. I feel lonely and empty and somehow today I remember my days in the city of Guwahati. Her name was Ana Maya-- the name has returned to me from a different planet--or at least that's how i feel about it. She was a sexy little girl--she was only in class-eight at that time. She was up from the hills that form a part of the city of Guwhati. And she was quite matured for her age. Her complexion was not fair but a beautiful brownish color. She was skinny but had the finest curves in her body. Her hands were tiny and she had a jolliness about her. She was good company. Easy to talk with. And her hair… they were like a waterfall of dark coffee. She was very conscious about her hair and had explained to me that if it was not oiled regularly after bath it split into two. The harsh Guwahati weather did it. I remember how happy I was when she said “yes” to me after making me wait for days. First, I had asked her if she would be my girlfriend and she had not replied or anything and I had almost forgotten her. Then one day the mutual friend thanks to whom i was in the position of seeking a girlfriend told me that Ana Mary had asked him for my number. Then I asked my mutual friend what it was all about. He said that Ana Maya had something to say to me. My heart was not in its right place after hearing it. What? What? What? What? Then I got the message: Do you love me? I replied instantly: Yes I love you. Do you love me too?  Then I got the reply: I will think and let you know. When? Please. When? Then she replied: Within three days. I had to wait for three whole days. Three whole mornings, afternoons and nights that seemed to stop moving and sit there heading nowhere. But the torment was worth it: she just texted me a single word: “yes”. If I ever flew to the moon then it was on that day. (God Bless You Ana Maya! Thanks for that moment). And one day she had agreed to meet  me. Once a week she was allowed to go down to the city for shopping provided she went with an elder someone. That elder someone was incidentally my friend Pegu's girlfriend. It was decided that she would be with Pegu, and Ana Maya would be with me. I cannot even begin to describe how excited i was. I remember having a hard time deciding whether to wear my short-pants or not for the date. My first date ever. I ended up wearing it and rushing out to meet Ana Maya. I wanted to show-off the results of my daily workouts. Ana Maya was waiting for me outside B.Borooah College gate with Pegu's girlfriend--who seemed to be in a jittery-fluttery mood. I used to stay in BBCH (B.Borooah College Hostel) those days; it was just behind the College precinct. Pegu soon joined us and we went to Nehru Park. Inside the park the couples separated: Pegu and his girlfriend went to one side of the park, Ana Maya and myself was left in one side of the park. I remember it was a windy day and I felt a little bit cold as the whole of my thighs were exposed to the elements. “Can I hold your hand?”, I had asked burning with desire. “Yes, you can”, she had answered me fulfilling my desire. I reached out for her hand. It was euphoric. I just held it like that for sometime. Then i found the courage to try slipping my fingers into hers. Her hands were tiny and I could hardly trap my fingers into hers. Her tiny little hand was ecstasy to me. The fingers and palms seemed to throb with a soft beat on their own. We did not separate our hands even when they got wet with sweat from the clasp. We walked around the park like that. The sky was a murky orange. And everything looked orangish that day. Almost melancholy. We talked. She tried to be nice. I tried to be nice. And when it was time we separated.
Of course things did not work out. I had ambitions. She had ambitions too. Besides i was a super amateur in things such as relationships. But she was the first girl I ever dated. And will always be.


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